$40 is $40
By Ben Owens
A few days ago, I was at my friend Jared’s house until late. I went out to my car at around 2:40 AM and discovered that my car was booted. I was so zen about it, though. Normally, I try to think of how I can make a problem for these guys—which I did think about—but the Wheel of Fortuna had been on an upswing for me for the last little while, so I figured it was about time for a little bad luck and was doing pretty good at letting go.
Anyways, my friend Jared felt really bad because he forgot that they come to his complex and boot at 2 AM, so this was kind of avoidable. I was kind of bummed but not sweating too much. After I had paid, he came up to me and gave me $40, saying he wanted to split it with me. I asked if he was sure and told him it was not a big deal, but he said no, that he wanted to split it with me, so I took the money and told him I appreciated it.
Afterward, I was thinking about the situation. Jared is a really nice guy, and I felt like he fully wanted me to take the money and wasn’t just doing the thing where he offers, I say no, he insists, and then I say no again. I know him well enough to know he’s just a good dude who wants to be nice. But the thing about it that’s funny to me is—why do we even have to think like that? Why is there always this thing where someone offers to pay for something, and then we say no and go back and forth? What is up with this strange battle of politeness that people sort of expect from each other?
It feels similar to the whole thing where something is wrong with your food at a restaurant, but when the waiter asks, you say everything is great. Why do so many of us do stuff like that? I guess it just sort of bugged me that when I took my friend’s money, I stopped to consider if maybe I was supposed to say no. I do think a lot of people would have said no, even if they were pressed financially and paying the $75 to get the boot off would have put them in an even bigger pinch than they were already in.
It’s also the same funny thing where sometimes people are scared to ask for help when they obviously need it. Or, on the flip side, people will ask if you need help, and then you say no for some reason.
The other day, this guy saw me and my friends walking down the street and called us over to see if we would help him. We walked across the street, and he asked us to help him take some shelves from his truck into his house. It took probably five minutes all said and done, and it was no trouble at all. When he asked me, I honestly got excited that I could do something nice for someone.
I would imagine that most people feel that same way. I don’t think most people go out of their way to do nice things, but when they get to help someone or do something useful, it makes them feel good. It always makes me feel good about myself. The last time I did something nice for a random person without being asked was a month or so ago. I was at a book sale at the SLC library and saw this old lady with a big box of books, so I asked if I could carry them up the stairs for her. She was delighted, and then my brother helped her up the stairs. She told us we were proper gentlemen and that there aren’t many good young men around like us anymore. Anytime an old lady calls me handsome or a gentleman, that means more to me than most things anyone could say to me. I couldn’t tell you why.
Anyways, I felt really good about myself, and honestly, it was really easy. I also liked that the old lady wasn’t embarrassed or anything. That’s something funny that happens when you help someone—sometimes they get embarrassed about needing help, which sucks. What is she going to do? Tell me she’s sorry about being old?
I also thought about how insane it was that there was a part of me that maybe wasn’t going to help that old lady. There was a part of me that wanted to just leave her be and not say anything. Not because I don’t like old ladies, but because there was a part of me that felt goofy for extending and asking if she needed help.
Once, I was in the car with my lady, and we saw this crazy-looking blind guy crossing the street. He was swinging his cane, not hitting anything, going every which way, and the light had turned green. I was laughing so hard at this helpless blind guy crossing the street. I know that’s kind of messed up, but he was almost walking into cars, and it was so insane I thought it was a prank or something. I couldn't believe it. Then, the guy in the car next to ours got out and helped him across the street, and I quit laughing pretty quick. I felt so dumb that I hadn’t even thought to go help that guy. I was just going to watch him for as long as he was wandering. Because not all those who wander are lost.
Anyways, I felt like a real jerk, and it made me think about myself a little bit and why I, as a Christian, didn’t get out and help that guy—and why I didn’t even think about it. I think there are a couple of reasons why we don’t ask people if they need help or leap to the rescue like the guy in the car next to me did. One of them is that it almost feels like you’re making a scene. It’s the same thing as standing up to a bully in some way. We are standing up to the world that has bullied some innocent man and taken his vision, if you get what I mean.
For some reason, it takes courage for us to ask if someone wants our help. I really can’t say why, but whenever I go to do something like helping that old lady, it feels like I’m causing a scene or doing something strange, like people are going to stop and watch—which, honestly, sometimes they do. I also think it’s like that thing that happens when one person asks a big group of people for a favor.
For example, the other night, there were a bunch of us at my friend’s house, and we wanted to get food. So Matt says out loud, “Who is going to get the food?” We’ve been through this 100 times. We ask who’s going to get the food, and then no one says anything. Then, someone will say they can do it, then another person will say they can do it because they feel bad they didn’t volunteer in the first place. I’m sure you all have seen similar instances of the same situation.
It’s also like when you’re at a party and no one is dancing. Once one guy starts dancing, it’s so much easier for the second guy to start, and after the second guy, everyone joins in. But there’s something about being the first one to start that’s so daunting. I can’t perfectly say what that feeling is, but I think it’s something close to stage fright.
On the flip side of things, I think people are afraid to ask for help even when it’s offered to them for various reasons. I looked into it a little bit (I read some threads on Reddit), and it seems like most people are afraid to look weak or seem like a burden. I think a lot of people have this weird mindset where, in public, it’s almost better to go unnoticed. Or that by needing help, they’re the one making a scene. A ton of people also expressed the idea that when they let someone help them, they feel like they owe that person a favor or something in return, and it’s easier to just say no.
Then on the flip side of the flip side—which is not the same as the other side—I think most people are actually nice and do want to help, like my friend Jared. I think because he felt bad, he wanted to help. I think most people would like to help. I do think, at this point in time, there are a good amount of people who offer help or $10 just because they know they’re supposed to, and they expect you to say no. But I would, in my heart of hearts, like to believe that most people aren’t like that. I want to believe that I am like most people and want to be helpful if I can. I'm just nervous to say so sometimes. Because even if we aren’t good people, we’d like to think we are.
So from now on, when people offer to do something nice for me, I think I’m just going to always try to say yes—even if they want me to say no. And I’ll try not to be nervous about offering to help or do something nice for someone else.